Dateline – March 2, 2008 - Thornton, CO 80601

The "Special BBQ"…..

Well it has been a couple of days since the welfare checks came in and the usual trolls are being “trolled” by their own set of trolls. Namely Rosie and Helen. Seems when a can of Spam is being BBQ’ed you just can’t keep those two away. But this is no ordinary monthly BBQ. Oh no. This is what’s known as the “Special BBQ.’ When there is no one in Smellrose Place that has been denied their entitlements for the month they have the “Special BBQ.” The Special BBQ is special because when everyone gets their entitlement for the month they can usually afford to “kick it up a notch” (one of them heard that phrase one time while watching the food Network down at the clinic and the phrase resonated). For a Special BBQ they go all out and have canned hams. Nope, not Spam, no sir-ee. Sometimes, they even use paper plates and plastic forks if tr can “please” enough of the Chinese dishwashers that are Clinton supporters. He only likes Clinton supporters for some reason.

But a certain catastrophe did happen this time. Let me explain. As momma lib (Lila) was getting the trash can and grate ready to fire up, it was discovered that “The Immortal One” had forgotten to procure the necessary amount of lard. Why they need lard for a BBQ remains a mystery. This is the second or third time in recent memory that the task of securing the lard had been assigned to “The Immortal One” (TIO) and she failed. It is the general consensus (sound familiar?) that when TIO wakes up from an extended meth stupor she forgets a lot of things. But it’s really George Bush’s fault anyway. Getting back to the subject at hand, when momma lib (Lila) found there was no lard she had to come up with some quick thinking. Otherwise the whole BBQ would be just one big disaster, again.

So momma lib figures that Rosie would hear of this month’s BBQ and, come h3ll or high water, she’ll be there. Especially since it is the more fancy canned hams. So momma lib made the announcement that the food would be a little late this month and explained that it wasn’t her fault, but the fault of someone else, namely TIO and George Bush. 

 She suggested that the residents of Smellrose Place entertain themselves by playing some games in the meantime while waiting for Rosie’s arrival. And since Helen T. was in attendance a motion was made by “He Who References Himself on the Huff n Puff” (HWRH) that Pin the Pork Chop Bone on Helen’s Behind Area be played. Someone seconded the motion so Helen was stripped naked (because this is how they play the game???). 

The Navy Pilot was first to go. He won the food stamp card toss. The magnetic side that he called was up. Otherwise known as “Magnetic Side Up.” So he was given a pork chop bone and blindfolded. He successfully placed the pork chop bone somewhere in the midst of her heiney. As it became HWRH’s turn someone hollered out that Rosie was seen coming up Dooky Avenue (or would that be down Dooky Ave?). But it would be several minutes before she got there as you can see her coming a quarter mile away. They usually use the same pork chop bone but The Navy Pilot had hidden it so well that it would take a while to find it. It just so happened that HWRH had a used chicken bone in his pocket so they blindfolded him and let him play. He was just as successful as The Navy Pilot and hid the chicken bone somewhere in her upper FUPA.

By this time Rosie had arrived and momma lib explained the dire situation they had found themselves in. And Rosie, being the compassionate, bleeding-heart liberal she is, she told momma lib not to worry. Her exact words, I believe, were, “Never Fear Rosie is Here.” So Rosie asked for any volunteers to help. And being the civic minded guy that Marc Mode, the gay designer, is, he happily offered his assistance.

So, for reasons unknown, they went behind one of the cardboard boxes with a couple of old five gallon pickle buckets they normally use for chairs. Some shouts like “Just a little more” and “squeeze a little harder were heard coming from behind the boxes. Some groaning and moaning was also heard. After a few minutes they both came out with big ol’ grins on their faces. Marc Mode was also overheard telling Rosie that next time she needed to bend over just a little more and it would be a whole lot easier. And that the grease stains wouldn’t be as bad. And maybe the use of a funnel may be warranted. But anyway.

Momma lib was happy to get the lard and fired up the grill. Or trash can. Marc Mode announced he couldn’t stay too long.   He has a date with that guy in the video that was saying “Leave Britney Alone,” or something to that effect. And he had to rearrange his living room with the milk crates he picked up a couple days ago.

While this was going on people noticed that Rosie kept sniffing and sniffing. And pointing also. Kind of like a blue tick hound dog would do. Then she kept getting closer and closer to Helen. Helen, of course, was enjoying the attention. She had not had any attention like this since Janet Reno left office. The closer Rosie got to Helen the more, and louder, she grunted. Then all of a sudden Helen let out this yelping sound, which sounded to most in attendance as a joyful yelp. When everyone turned and looked Rosie had her head stuck up so far in Helen’s upper FUPA that a Caterpillar D9 bulldozer could not have pulled her out. There was yelping and whaling and all kinds of commotion going on. When Rosie finally came out for air she had a pork chop bone and a used chicken bone in her mouth with a grin like a horse eating briars.

Of course, once Helen found out it was only the bones that Rosie was after she got mad and started pouting. Then she finally decided she had had enough. So she left before the canned hams were ready. Although one of the hams was missing momma lib couldn’t prove it. Being the bleeding heart liberals they are, it was blamed on – George Bush.

So momma lib BBQ’ed the remaining hams, served them on the fancy paper plates that rt had gotten out of the dumpster behind the local diner after servicing the Chinese dishwashers. 

After the nightly allotment of MD 20-20 (Sorry BrianR) was gone they all decided to go home to their boxes for the night. Momma lib tried to persuade Rosie to come join her for a night cap. The invitation would have been gladly accepted except for the fact that both of them could not fit in the box at the same time. We think that the tranny, “The Immortal One” (TIO) did persuade Rosie to come to her/his box.

Since they never bother to clean up momma lib knew she would be going home by herself, again. So she found rt and, you guessed it, slapped him. After finding rt and, you guessed it, slapping him, The Navy Pilot and HWRH went home together. So rt, by this time, being mad as h3ll, decided he would stay with the man who lives in a van down by the river tonight. At least he would be able to wash up in the morning.

Momma lib was heard on the way home muttering to her self that she was tired of doing all the work and Animal Female and The Hand that Learns never doing anything to help. At least Rosie provided the lard (Why the lard is still a mystery but The Navy Pilot and HWRH was seen carrying a bucket home with them) and Helen provided the entertainment. rt secured the china and silverware.

She concluded that in spite of the lard fiasco, a good time was had by all at this month’s BBQ. And the ham was mighty good eatin.’ 

But she thought to herself, had it only rained they could have all had showers standing under the drains on the bridge that she lives under for this month’s special BBQ.

So another day concludes in Smellrose Place.

©2008 by BmanIII