Dateline – March 1, 2008   Thronton, CO 80601

This is the day that the March 2008 welfare checks come in………..

Momma lib (“Lila”), the old retired educator, is getting ready for their monthly trip down to the welfare office. It starts like this:

Since it is close to the end of this month momma lib (aka Lila) is all out of the current month’s supply of liquor (that’s what they call their MD 20-20). Momma tells the “Pet from NY” that it’s time to take a bath so you have to go to the man who lives in a van down by the river to bathe. Or as they call it “wash up.” So momma slaps little “Pet from NY” and off he goes.

In the meantime, momma is hunting her teeth so she can smile at the bum who lives in the cardboard box two bridges down from her when she goes to pay her crack bill. He would live beside Lila, but there isn’t enough room for both of them under the bridge with the FUPA and all.

But anyway, as momma sees rt (the names have been changed to protect the “innocent”) coming down the road and can’t find her teeth she hurries next door (really “next box” over) and borrows “He who references himself’s” mother’s bottom plate, and as luck would have it, The Navy Pilot’s mother was there too. So she lent her her upper plate. They just insisted that since neither had brushed them this week to Please brush them before returning them. Although they don’t fit very well, it was agreed that the borrowed teeth looked “right nice” on the momma lib.

So anyway momma lib (Lila) lets her hair down as she is sportin’ a borrowed set of teeth for rt and lo and behold she spots The Navy Pilot coming to see if his momma has $3 he can borrow.

Now momma lib is in a conundrum, as she doesn’t remember if she promised to see rt or The Navy Pilot at this particular time. But it doesn’t matter, really. All she knows is one of them is going to get “lucky” (if that’s what you want to call it). 

So “Pet from NY” is down at the man who lives in a van by the river ‘washing up’, WITH the man who lives in a van down by the river. When they are “finished” “Pet from NY” goes back to momma to get the check so it can be cashed at the liquor store. “Pet from NY” is scared to ask but he does so anyway – “momma, ain’t I supposed to be in skrewl, those people said you might go to the pokey”. Momma lib slaps “Pet from NY” again and tells him to mind his mammy. That mammy needs her medicine.

So momma lib puts the “X” on the back of the check where she has been told to do and gives it to “Pet from NY”. He asks, can I stop and get me a coke? Momma lib slaps him again.

So “Pet from NY” gets going and on his way he stops over at “The Immortal One’s cardboard box that is 4 boxes down from Lila. He is wondering if she is ok cause it looks like she has been “outside” all night but soon discovers that she will be fine. Just another ‘rough’ night out with the trannny’s, again. Since he can’t get her to wake up he goes on down to the liquor store.

Once there, he tells the owner he is here for his momma’s monthly medicine. The owner looks at “Pet from NY”, and, you guessed it, slaps him. So “Pet from NY” gives the liquor store owner the check and gets his case of MD 20-20 and the change and starts to make his way back. But the owner says “Stop “Pet from NY”, come back here a second.” When “Pet from NY” gets back to the counter the owner starts laughing at him and, you guessed it, slaps him again.

So off goes “Pet from NY” back to momma libs. On the way he sees Marc Mode, the gay designer, coming his way. But has no where to hide. So “Pet from NY” knows Marc Mode’s favor-ite drink is MD 20 -20 and offers him some if he won’t slap him. Marc Mode says ok, three bottles and I won’t slap you right this second. “Pet from NY” hands over the 3 bottles. Well, Marc Mode takes the 3 bottles, and, you guessed it, slaps him.

By this time “Pet from NY’s” face is a bit swollen and he is crying and hurting. He finally gets back to the boxed neighborhood, on Stinky Avenue where animal female lives. He can’t see her in those new big screen TV boxes she managed to cop a week or so ago. The tape on them is holding up very well so far though. Quality cardboard it is. Anyway he hears her say “Come here little boy, want to see something.” So “Pet from NY” says “Sure, I want to see something.” He ventures his way over to the ‘door.’ And to his amazement there she is – spread all over the entire living room, which consist of one whole box. You know, because animal female is the most successful on her block, she has a three room box.

So EVEN “Pet from NY” is scared at that scene and starts running back to his box when he slams into “He who references Himself.” Well, “He who references Himself” tries to bribe “Pet from NY” because he doesn’t want “The Navy Pilot” find out he is “seeing someone else” and offers “Pet from NY” some fine liquor to keep quiet. “He who references Himself” has some Boones Farm on him. So “Pet from NY” gets 3 bottles from “He who references Himself” to keep quiet and continues on his way. Oh, and, you guessed it, “He who references Himself” slaps him.

When he finally gets back to his box, he starts looking for momma lib.  He finds her ‘out back’ rollin’ on the ground with some new man on the block, The Hand that Learns.”

When momma lib sees “Pet from NY” staring at him, she gets up, puts in her borrowed teeth, and runs over to “Pet from NY”. And, you guessed it, slaps him.

“Pet from NY” gives her the case of MD 20-20 less three bottles, and only ONE bottle of Boones farm. He was sidetracked on the way with the other two bottles of prime liquor. And the change, of course. Momma lib tells “Pet from NY” to run out and play. She has business to tend to. 

So momma lib takes out her borrowed teeth and goes back to “The Hand that Learns.” Momma lib is lucky this month, she has first dibbs on the new guy.

So on the first day of the month, all is well in Smellrose Place.